WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
