How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
