Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
