the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
