It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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