I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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