I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
