i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
