I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
