god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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