I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think I sprained my soul last night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
