I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
