Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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