I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
