If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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