When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
porn star boner night. come get it.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
