I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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