I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
