Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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