Your mouth is God's brothel.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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