my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
