I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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