clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
is this the sara with the beer cane?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance