matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
