I faked an abortion last night.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
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I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
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She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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