Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
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Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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