On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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