Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
