I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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