Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(305): View more from Florida

My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.

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(305): My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit. http://tfl.nu/7g7j

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(253): View more from Washington

oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.

(1-253): View more from Washington

I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.

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(253): oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body. (1-253): I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate. http://tfl.nu/e4ca

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(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(618): i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer http://tfl.nu/zm3w

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(914): Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it http://tfl.nu/0jmm

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(917): View more from New York City

im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer

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(917): im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer http://tfl.nu/s04i

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...

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(612): I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night... http://tfl.nu/eun8

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(406): he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten http://tfl.nu/sl88

Replies (9) Good night (3499) Bad night (1925)
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(513): View more from Ohio

We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.

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(513): We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking. http://tfl.nu/l4c2

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.

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(678): I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid. http://tfl.nu/e1xm

Replies (3) Good night (3471) Bad night (1128)
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(720): View more from Colorado

I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"

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(720): I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship" http://tfl.nu/hte5

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class

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(814): I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class http://tfl.nu/2lhx

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(520): View more from Arizona

She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.

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(520): She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup. http://tfl.nu/0yof

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break

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(202): Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break http://tfl.nu/8ihp

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.

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(216): I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class. (610): I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class. http://tfl.nu/0ypg

Replies (0) Good night (1081) Bad night (393)
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(503): View more from Oregon

You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.

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(503): You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life. http://tfl.nu/c63g

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