Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
