Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
