direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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