He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
