How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
