I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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