your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
it wasn't lemon gatorade
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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