3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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