I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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