Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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