Apparently you make a good broom.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
