I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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