I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
