it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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