i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
