I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
