Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
