Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
