I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
