I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The power of my boobs compel you
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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