I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
