Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize