I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
