Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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