If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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