How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
